


Say It Again.

by ambientbliss



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Depressed Stiles, Derek tries to fix it, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions of Kate - Freeform, Mentions of Violence, Nicknames, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Stiles is Bi, derek has emotions, worried!Derek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 08:24:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9482693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambientbliss/pseuds/ambientbliss
Summary: Stiles is trying, he really is but the Nogitsune screwed him up. After finding a friendship with Derek, Stiles once again says the wrong thing at the wrong time. He leaves the loft wondering just how much he screwed up the one good thing he had.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ** Unbeta'd.
> 
> I do not own Teen Wolf or it's characters.

Stiles and Derek had been spending more time together after the Nogitsune. It seemed like Derek was the only person that didn't tip toe around Stiles, or treat him like if they said the wrong thing he would break. The wolf had experienced so much trauma in his life that Stiles felt like he would understand. That was pretty much how they became close, you know... once Stiles had gotten over the initial fear that Derek would grunt at him and push him right out of the loft. 

Instead Derek had been welcoming for once. They never talked about it, the whole Nogitsune thing, or how Stiles would still wake up screaming or paralyzed from fear that the spirit was back, or never really gone. Stiles was sure Derek could smell it on him, the residual scent of panic, fear, and exhaustion. He had a routine. Spending time with Derek when he wasn't in class, or when he would wake up in the middle of the night and both of them were awake. If he had woken from a nightmare, he would shower and try his best to clean the stench of the nightmare off of his skin and head to Derek's. 

This growing friendship between them caused Stiles to be coming and going at any and all hours of the night and day. It hadn't been noticed by the Sheriff considering his double shifts, but the nosey neighbor Mrs. Hanson made it her personal business to stop by the station one morning and tell the Sheriff that his son was not in his bed each night, and he was gone longer than he should be for a quick run somewhere. Not to mention he looked exhausted. 

Stiles had dumped his backpack in the hall and walked into the kitchen after school to find his father sitting at the dining room table, waiting. 

"Stiles.... can I have a word?" 

The teen froze in his spot. He and his father hadn't spoken much after the Nogitsune, and Stiles had been sure that it was because of the actions the Nogitsune took in Stiles's body. The only thing that confused him was the tone his father used. Concern laced each word. 

"Uh... yeah.... sure." He moved to sit across from his father.

"Mrs. Hanson came to see me today. She suspects that you are doing drugs. You constantly look exhausted, she says that you are going more often than you are staying. Is there something you want to talk to me about?"

"I have been going to Derek's." Stiles chewed at his thumbnail. 

"Okay, is there something supernatural I should know about?"

"No dad... it's... just after the Nogitsune, Derek is the only one who doesn't treat me differently. So I have been spending time with him because I feel somewhat normal." 

Stiles noticed that his father looked pained, and as if he was going to say something about how terrible he has been as a father. There was no way Stiles could let him think like that.

"Don't dad. You are working a lot, you almost lost me too and I understand why we haven't talked about it. Honestly I _don't_ want to talk about it. Derek and I don't talk about what happened. Sometimes we don't talk. It's nice. You know why I look exhausted. You've heard me, I've waken you up on the few nights you get to sleep. I can't keep doing that to you. So.... I'm spending time with Derek... just trying to be normal again."

Noah sat there for a moment, looking at his son. Stiles couldn't read him, so he could only imagine what was going on in his fathers mind about the confession. Considering he and Derek hadn't been on good terms in the past.

"As long as it is helping you not be holed up in your room avoiding everyone who cares about you... I'm okay with it. Maybe just... leave a note, or a text. Just so I know you are okay."

Stiles nodded, and the Sheriff stood. Patting Stiles on the shoulder. 

"What about Malia?"

For the second time since he had been home, Stiles froze. Yeah sure he had a thing with Malia in Eichen, and he kinda tried dating her for a while but it just didn't work. She was too much for him, to aggressive in a way that Stiles wasn't capable of handling when he could barely handle himself. 

"We are better as friends... I don't think it would have worked out anyway." 

The Sheriff nodded, and smiled at Stiles from the entry way of the kitchen. It was a knowing smile and Stiles hated it, because he knew exactly where his father was going with his question, and he got the answer he was looking for.

"Just know I love you Stiles. No matter who or what you are." 

"Thanks dad. I love you too." 

Stiles was still stuck in his head when the Sheriff left for his shift. He had never really admitted it to himself before, but he had feelings for Derek. That's why it wasn't going to work with Malia. Sure Stiles had a lack of self preservation, but Malia was just not the right glowing eyes and claws. The more time Stiles spent with Derek the more he admired him, realized that Derek wasn't just a broody sourwolf with the worlds most expressive eyebrows. It didn't help that the man looked like sex on legs. 

Most of the time if anyone else went from having a very active physical relationship with a girl, to crushing on a guy they would be confused. Stiles was not confused as to why he was attracted to Derek. He had been slightly attracted to him from the moment the man yelled "this is private property." It was wondering when his dad figured out, and if anyone else had picked up on it.

He had really tried to push away his crush on Derek because the wolf clearly wasn't attracted to men. There was Kate, and Jennifer, and the seduction of Erica... but now that was all he could think about. Derek. 

With a huff, Stiles pulled himself out of his chair, grabbed a granola bar and headed to his room. The day was exhausting, the conversation was exhausting... hell Stiles was just fucking exhausted all the time. Once the door was closed, and the wrapper of the snack tossed in the bin, Stiles flopped down face first on his bed. Usually when he was this exhausted the nightmares were bearable. 

+++

When Stiles woke a few hours later he was gasping, almost as if he had been drowning. His hands shook as he counted his fingers, noting that the blood he had just seen was no longer adorning his fingers. It wasn't just any blood. It was Derek's. The Nogitsune did some pretty shitty things to Derek, and Stiles tried to push those thoughts away as much as possible, but more and more the memories were leaking into his subconscious tormenting him in his sleep. 

As his breathing slowed back to normal, Stiles raked a hand through his sleep disheveled hair and jumping slightly at the loud sound of his phone ringing. Scott's name and dorky grin illuminating the screen.

"Yeah?" Trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Stiles! I need you to get to the loft."

"On my way... is anyone dead?" He hated that he had to ask.

"No... just... get here."

Stiles mumbled that he was leaving now, and rushed to the Jeep glaring at Mrs. Hanson's window as he drove away into the darkness. He broke probably 5 traffic laws on the way to the loft, cutting what should have been a 20 minute drive to about 10. Taking the stairs at a run, he made it to the open loft door just as Lydia had stepped into the loft. Taking stock of everyone in the room, no one looked hurt, and everyone was accounted for, leaving Stiles to wonder why he was called so urgently to the loft. 

He walked passed Derek, and took the empty spot on the couch which was next to Lydia. With a glance back at the wolf, Stiles saw the look on his face. Brows furrowed in concern, his eyes searching Stiles. The room fell silent for a moment, and Stiles was growing uncomfortable under Derek's searching eyes. 

"What the hell did you call us all here so urgently for Scott?" Malia's voice broke the silence, pulling Stiles's attention to Scott.

"Well... uh... There was a batch of pixies at the Lacrosse pitch after school. Liam and I chased them down into the woods but... we lost one of them. Deaton have us means to catch them, but not everyone was accounted for."

"So you called all of us here, to make sure all of us were okay? Instead of just asking us when you called?" Stiles sounded irritated, even to his own ears. 

"Some of us don't tell the truth." The words came from Malia, her glare pointed at Stiles.

"So is this about me lying? Or the fact that none of you trust me anymore?" 

Stiles looked around at each face. Derek looked like he had been slapped, and Stiles threw him a look trying to tell him that he wasn't included in the assumption. Scott looked ashamed, Malia didn't seem to care, nor did Lydia. Liam and Mason just sat there quietly with Kira.

"You weren't at Lacrosse practice... I didn't..."

"I'm not wounded Scott. If that is what you are asking. I have no injuries. I didn't go to Lacrosse because I was too fucking tired to sit on the god damned bench and watch everyone else play. So why even show up. Conveniently, I got to have a very enlightening conversation with my dad so it was a good thing I wasn't at practice."

Before Scott could say anything, Malia huffed and stood heading for the door. Liam, Lydia, and Mason followed suit. Leaving Kira standing next to Scott and Derek still leaning against the post he had been standing by since Stiles walked in.

All Stiles could really appreciate was the fact that Scott had the decency to look ashamed. It was a witch hunt... it always was. Always looking at Stiles first when something happens. Wondering the same thing he was wondering every time he woke up screaming. Is it really gone. Stiles used to think they would notice that it wasn't him, but clearly he was wrong in that.

He stood, getting ready to leave when he was stopped by Derek's voice.

"Hold up a minute Stiles."

The teen took a deep breath, and turned back to face Derek. "Sup Sourwolf?"

"Are you okay? Don't tell me you aren't wounded, that isn't what I'm asking. It is clear those morons don't know how to pick up on chemo signals. You smell like fear and panic, not like the little bit you usually smell like. Honestly you smell like you are on the verge of a fear induced panic attack."

"I'm... I'm fine." Stiles realized he didn't shower before coming over, his nightmare still fresh on his skin, and the image of Derek's blood all over his hands coming to the forefront. 

"Don't lie to me Stiles. How long have we been doing this? What's going on?" Derek sounded irritated. His usual McAsswolf.

"You don't wanna know Der." 

Stiles was startled by the snarl that tore from Derek's chest, thinking there was danger Stiles survey'd his situation but only realized that the growl of a vicious werewolf was directed right at him. What the hell had he done? Was Derek offended by Stiles's assumption of him not wanting to know?

"What did you call me?"

"I... I didn't mean..." The tone of Derek's voice was like a punch to the chest. His hands shook again, and he couldn't take it. Stiles needed to get out of there before he ruined every single shred of a relationship they could have as friends. "I'm going to go."

Without a second thought, Stiles turned and left the loft just as quickly as he had came. Realizing that he ruined everything. He really was alone.

+++

It had been three weeks since Stiles left the loft, and he hasn't been back. Scott called pack meetings, and there were pack nights but Stiles never went. Instead he stayed home, only leaving to go to school, and having dinner with his dad. 

So Stiles sat at home, most times he wasn't sleeping. But on the rare occasion that he did fall asleep he woke up screaming. The urge to text Derek was strong, but he couldn't. Not after Derek had reacted to him before. Tonight was no different when it came to nightmares. Stiles had slipped into an exhaustion induced sleep, only to wake panicking. Gasping for breath, his vision swimming, chest constricting. He knew he was alone, and he was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. 

A blurry figure dropped into Stiles's room through the window. The voice of the figure was mumbling, and Stiles felt like he was underwater until large warm hands were bracing his face. Green eyes bore into his own and Stiles tried to focus on the words that were coming from the man in front of him.

"....reathe.... you.... ve... too.... breathe. Stiles! Hey, focus on me. small breath in, small breath out. Don't try to hard you will panic more." As if working on their own, Stiles's lungs complied. Letting in small amounts of air until he could bring in a full breath.

As Stiles's vision cleared, and his hands started to shake less he counted his fingers. Derek really couldn't be in his room, there was no way. The wolf hated him, wanted to eat him for breakfast. Great now his mind was playing tricks on him. Although if this was real.... then Derek was here to let him down easy, tell him they can't spend time together anymore. 

When Derek's hand left Stiles's face the wolf moved away and Stiles prepared himself for his heart to be ripped from his chest.

"I'm sorry Derek. I just... I don't know what..... I get it. I know you don't want me around anymore."

"Say it again." 

Stiles whipped his head up, looking at the wolf with wide eyes. "I know you don't want me around?"

"No. What you said in the loft. What you called me. Say. It. Again."

"Why so you can snarl at me and then leave? Or are you wanting me to give you a reason to finally rip my throat out with your teeth?"

"Please. Stiles.... just... say it." Derek's voice was softer, and quieter. If Stiles hadn't been sitting where he was, he probably wouldn't have heard it. 

"You want me to call you Der?"

A whine pierced the air, and Derek looked like he was breaking right in front of Stiles. 

"Derek?"

"Laura used to call me Der. No one else was ever allowed to call me Der."

"I'm sorry."

"No." Derek moved to sit next to Stiles on his bed. "I didn't mean to be like that. I just... I was surprised, But I liked it when you say it."

"Oh." Stiles was stunned into silence. Sitting there looking at the floor. Until Derek stood, and walked back toward the window, attempting to leave. "Stay. Please. I don't... I don't want to go back to sleep."

Derek sat back down, kicking off his shoes like he usually would when moving marathoning with Stiles. "Is the waking up with a panic attack normal?" 

"No." Stiles shook his head. "Usually it is screaming, or gasping for breath. Never panicking like that."

"How often are the nightmares?" 

"Everyday. These ones though... they seem to be worse."

The two sat in silence. Stiles feeling Derek's presence next to him seemed to anchor him. He laughed to himself, thinking about when he had to help Scott find his anchor. Apparently you didn't have to be supernatural to need an anchor. 

"You have been rubbing your hands the whole time... does that have something to do with it?"

Stiles took a deep breath. "When... when the Alpha Pack made you kill Boyd... how long did it take you to stop seeing his blood on your hands?"

"A while, but I realized because of you and the pack that it wasn't my fault. I didn't actually try to kill him. I know I haven't said it Stiles, but those people... Allison, Aiden... they weren't your fault."

"It's..." Stiles huffed a humorless laugh. "It's not their blood. I didn't kill this person, I'm sure they wish I would have because I... he did some terrible things to this person but I never killed him." Stiles sucked in a shaky breath. This was a conversation he never wanted to have with Derek, never wanted him to know that he woke up screaming with the image of his blood on the human's hands, but now that it was out there. Derek would want to ask. "I know it's stupid, but every single time I wake up I have either killed the person that I am pretty sure I love... or I wake up and have to figure out if it was a dream or if that bastard is back in my head. The shittiest part is that I always end up right there with you and I wonder if this is the time I black out and kill you." 

Derek just stared at Stiles. Various emotions filtered across his face that Stiles tried to identify as they came and went. He never picked up on anger, frustration or disappointment. Only concern, worry, and was that relief? Those were not what Stiles was expecting having basically just told Derek that he dreams of killing him and that he was pretty sure he loved him. That was a lie though, Stiles wasn't pretty sure. He was 100% sure he loved Derek.

"You love me?" Now it was relief flooding into Derek's eyes.

"Is that all you picked up on? Not the part where I did horrible things to you? Not the part where I am having nightmares of killing you?"

"Yes Stiles. I caught on to all of those things, and all of those things need to be addressed but you didn't answer my question and I... I need you to."

"Yes... I love you Der." 

Derek leaned forward, pushing his lips to Stiles's, and if Stiles were honest with himself he would have passed out right then and there because _how is this even real_! Instead of passing out, Stiles kissed back as if his life depended on it, because really it did. Being with Derek made things seem okay, and the three weeks without him were hell. 

When they pulled apart Derek's eyes scanned Stiles's face, looking for something but clearly not finding it. 

"Don't over think it Stiles. If it isn't clear enough... I love you too."

After a few breaths, Derek pulled Stiles over so they were both laying in Stiles bed. Derek was laying on his side, while Stiles laid on his back. They stayed like that for a while in silence.

"I have nightmare about you dying. Most of the time I am either the one who caused it, or I just wasn't fast enough." 

Stiles turned his head to look at Derek. Taking in what the wolf had just said. Nodding. Thinking that if he were going to die he hopes it isn't Derek who has to find him.

"That doesn't even out the fact that I still did those things to you. Taunting you with fire, talking about Kate, pushing what she did to you... I don't deserve you simply for that."

"I know you didn't mean any of those things. The same way Scott knew it wasn't you who stabbed him with the katana."

"How?"

"You're body was betraying him. Chemo Signals of regret, sorrow, anger. They weren't his. That is what tipped me off. Then... you were crying. You didn't want to hurt any of us. While he was controlling your body and your mouth, you still held onto something. We knew you were in there."

"I'm so sorry Der."

Derek pressed his lips to Stiles's again, only pulling away to mutter...

"Say it again."


End file.
